Well, here I sit again with thoughts swirling in my brain, except these thoughts have jagged edges and are tearing my psyche up so; I need to release them so…. Hear I am again, with yet another rant of sorts. As Christmas approaches, I have tried to focus on the positives of the season; family, friends, smiles, beautiful lights, yummy treats etc. but unfortunately, the negatives of the season keep elbowing those lovely thoughts out. Thoughts like “no money”, “you’re single and alone”, “and you really shouldn’t have treats since you’re so fat”. It’s those thoughts that have left me in a state of depression that wants to end it and just disappear. It’s hard to get up every morning and just merely survive rather than live. This level of sadness occurred in 2010 after my separation and divorce and hasn’t shaken since then. Part of my problem isn’t just mere sadness; it’s also deep-seeded anger. Anger towards my ex for tossing me away like trash, leaving me feeling worthless and alone, sure, I think anyone can understand that. It’s hard to celebrate family when your family is ripped apart by divorce. As a woman, wife and mother, I sacrificed a tremendous amount in an effort to make my husband and sons happy and apparently, I failed. It’s an awful feeling realizing that nearly 20 years of your life given to a person isn’t enough. It hurts and it pisses me off but honestly, my anger towards him pales in comparison to my anger towards God. I remember when I asked my ex his biblical reasoning for our divorce he quoted Matthew 9; 7 “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.” My ex said his heart was hard towards me so, he felt justified in his divorce due to this verse. I asked him, “Did I do anything biblically wrong?” His response was no. So our divorce went through and he was blessed with a new marriage. I asked God, “How can this be when you consider the very next verse in Matthew, “.9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries woman commits adultery.” I didn’t commit adultery so, God, why are you blessing my ex who, according to your Word, is clearly committing adultery? I heard nothing from God. My anger and bitterness toward God only grew.
Angry at God? Why would anyone be angry at Him? In 2003, I gave my life to God. I trusted Him with my life, my marriage and my family. When my then husband asked to separate in 2010, I prayed with everything I could to God to please restore my marriage. From March to August (when the divorce was final), I prayed that He would heal our hearts and bring us back together, stronger. We had been through difficult times before; times apart due to incarceration, we prayed together to end his addiction to pornography (I stayed, despite everything in my being wanting to walk away), rough times with our children, helping them with issues and problems. I couldn’t understand how we couldn’t make it now. I prayed wholeheartedly and earnestly to God, I asked others to pray and they did but to no avail. In August, the divorce was final and I was left devastated and alone. I asked God why and I heard nothing. I asked God if it was REALLY Him who said give the boys and our furniture to my ex and again, I heard nothing. I couldn’t understand why a God who was so loving would leave me so desolate and miserable. How can that be classified as love? I continued to go to church pursuing Him but received nothing. After nearly 2 years of this, I realized that I had nothing more to give Him. My anger and bitterness clouded any bit of wanting to praise Him and love Him. I love my church families; I have been involved in some wonderful churches filled with kind, genuine people who continue to pray for me to this day. I realized my church life was a lie, nothing more than a performance for those around me. I wanted them to believe I was still a good, church and god loving woman but the reality couldn’t be further from the truth. I finally confided to some close friends of where I was at with God and my desire to walk away from Him and the church. They, of course, tried to talk me out of it but I just didn’t feel the “fake it till you make it” premise was working so, I walked away. I know that there are so many, in and out of the church, who love me and for that I am thankful. It is that love and the love from my family that has sustained me in recent years and has kept me from ending it. That and the addition of my surprise granddaughter have brought me some of the joy I once had. But my anger and bitterness towards God hasn’t subsided. I see Him blessing my ex with everything he ever wanted; a house in the country, a new wife (younger and prettier), a new family and even a new baby that even my ex admitted was a new beginning to make things right after handling our own sons’ infancy so poorly. I’ve heard of him being surrounded by gifts and love from all this while I sat alone at Christmas and New Years. Why would a man who was an adulterer, a liar and a thief be so blessed while I was alone, crying myself to sleep on Christmas Eve? Is that fair? I’ve never understood it and probably never will but what’s the past is the past.
So, here I sit, another Christmas season with the same questions and thoughts roaming in my brain except this year, there’s more. This year, I’ve seen a horrible rift occur between the church and the LGBTQ community and I can’t help but be angry by it. I don’t understand how, in the year 2014, we’re still discussing equality. Why are Christians trying so hard to not allow gays to marry? Is it really that pressing an issue in the mind of God? Is it more important than feeding the poor or healing the sick? I am a straight woman who is an ally to the LGBTQ community. I have made friends within that community who are wonderful. Why is there such discord between these 2 groups, the gay community and the church? What benefit is it to anyone? Of course, considering my past, I have to ask the church the question, God hates divorce and adultery too but I don’t see the church with protest signs at the courthouse requesting that divorce be made illegal? Why is that? Frequent studies have proven that the divorce rate within the church is just as high as it is in the world? It pisses me off tremendously to hear repeatedly about the church wanting to preserve the sanctity of marriage when you can’t even preserve it within your own community!
I still want to believe that God loves me and all who inhabit the earth. I understand that no one can truly understand his ways. How many of us have asked “why is their sickness and pain?” No one truly understands why, I don’t think. But here I sit, another Christmas season, feeling alone, worthless and sad. My boys are grown and have their own lives. It’s hard to want to celebrate the birth of Christ when it feels like He has no desire to be around me. It feels likes throwing a party for someone and they don’t show up. Who wants to do that? I long for the day when I feel true joy again; joy with people and with God but for now, I continue to just survive and hang onto a small thread of hope.